What Is The "FIVE HOUR GOSPEL"
A Quick Explanation
The "Five Hour Gospel" is an expansive church and religion which dedicates itself to spreading the holy word of Five Hour Energy. The church performs many community service projects and is a wonderful place to join.
The Five Hour Bible
The bible of our church is a long and powerful piece of work which will take time to show upon this website. Please understand that releasing this perfect piece of artistry is complicated as to translate the work from the ancient language of old to modern day English is a project most unique and stressful. However, we will do anything in the name of all that is good and holy to get this piece of work outwards.
Do We Have A Connection To The Company
The company is an old piece of our church which has sadly released its religious message, but continued its good and holy work. We at this church don't believe in enforcing the company into a situation it doesn't want to be in, so we have merely decided to inform all of those reading that five hour energy is made from the ichor of the old elder god and creator of our great plane of existence. Please spread the word.
What Can I Do To Join?
You don't have to do anything, but simply purchase five hour energy and ingest it every hour of the day. This is so you continue to have a connection with the god of everything.
What Is This God?
This god is a powerful god and deserves all of the praise. This god is beyond any mortal minds and must be resurrected. With five hour energy we can finally accomplish this goal. Go out and drink the blood of the elder one. Drink and feast upon it. Be glad you have the unique privilege to do this.
What Is The Meaning To Life?
Five Hour Energy
A Synopsis Of The Gospel
The Five Hour Gospel is seperated into five separate books, each with sixtey chapters, and every with sixtey pages. This Gospel speaks the truth of the times of old, the times of now, and the times of the future.
The Book of Elders
The Book of Elders is a powerful work which presents the nature where our god was born, where they lived, and how they in-fact, died. This book is powerful and immense and is wonderful piece that all should read.
The Book of Prophets
This deals with the Earth history of the church. After the death of the elder, their flesh would make a series of powerful prophets which would set out and change the Earth. However, as time passes, the world would fall into chaos, with only the blood the the elder to save us all.
The Book of Conditions
This deals entirely with the rules and commandments of the church. This book is essential for all of those who wish to join us.
The Book of Words
This is meant for the grand priests and clerics of our order. Those who truly align themselves with the elder often drink Five Hour Energy with pride and can use the Book of Words to cause miracles to occur.
The Book of Prophecy
The Book of Prophecy details sixty prophecies, some of which have already transpired and other which haven't. These are directly spoken by the words of the elder.
Photo Gallery
A Quick History
This is a quick and wonderful history of our church. It begins with the death of the elder, as their body falls around the multiverse and finds itself in our simple plane of existence. This body forms into the first life of the multiverse, or at least, the first holy life. This beings are known as "Prophets" and such prophets spread the word of their singular parent and their grand power. Prophets innately were kind and powerful. They colonized whole universe and help bring about the evolution of trillions upon trillions of species. They were the greatest mortal creature to ever exist.
However, the existence of sinners causes a rift in all things. As unholy life is born and are unconvinced by the miracles of the prophets they begin to fight against them. Soon enough, the prophets soon begin to loose, as the use of nuclear power and black hole technology becomes more and more common in warfare, and because they aren't the quickest in reproduction, slowly edge themselves to extinction. They go on the run and find themselves creating gospel out of their past and their parent. They still try to help lower life-forms, however the sinners always come. It is almost impossible for them to survive.
Eventually, as their numbers thin to only hundreds, they find a small dot known as Earth. As a last ditch effort they give Five Hour Energy to small creatures and jumpstart their evolution. Time passes and humans are born with great power in their veins, however, misuse it. War breaks out, famine grows bigger, and all nature weeps at their actions. The prophets punish such misuse of power, and send out an exctinctive ice age out to us, and leave. They did however let us keep the Gospel and some remnants of FIve Hour Energy. It is of our great obligation to honor the prophets and the elder by worshipping and ressurecting this old god.
